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Disclaimer: This is a very easy, but 100% serious course based on meticulous observations of some of the behavioral trends largely afflicting the contemporary Indian political community. Intermittent tests are available too for free, just post answers in comments.

While political correctness has been upheld to an extent, we beg your pardon in advance if you’re unable to handle a bit of sarcasm.

Also, all events mentioned in the course are true. Any resemblance to an actual person living or dead is purely intentional. Thank you.

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SO LET’S POLITICS!

If you’re here reading this, you probably harbor secret fantasies of donning the saffron-white and leading madly devote hordes into a bright horizon where chariots fly high and flags higher – a height where not even dreams dare to float.

A dream of India, where she is a completely hinducratic, autocratic, modiarchy.

Yes? Omg what? That turned you on? Why my bhakt, you’re at the right place indeed! But if that didn’t, well, the only trick up my sleeve as a fellow Indian is, YE COURSE BILKUL FREE HAI MITRO! And like we all know, only a fool turns down freebies.

So anyway, from here on, I think I’ve got two options –

I either delve right into the lessons or ramble on some more about how this amazing life-changing brilliant mind-blowing course is going to blow your wig off, without really getting anywhere; but unfortunately I’m not a politician. I’ll just go with option uno.

And that’s your lesson 1.

You need to master the rhetoric and learn to infuse it with elements of vagueness and shallow grandeur.

Test yourself: Write an essay for 600 words without any particular topic or focus. You can do it.

If you found yourself struggling with the previous test, don’t worry. You’re not going to be the only poor performer out there. In fact, being one would rather help you from standing out as an abominable oddity.

So darling, it’s high time you take pride in your mediocrity.

That’s your lesson 2.

Another quick ‘test yourself’: Ask a bunch of your friends to air their disappointments in you for a while. Their task is to constantly throw accusations at you, while yours is to take on them with an unflinching air of cool.

However, a warning is in due.

Do not. Do not ever disappoint your friends in real – irrespective of whether they’re true, false, long-distant, annoying or intolerable. A real politician always has friends. Happy friends. Or friends made happy. By you. Friends who will then owe. You.

That’s the lesson 3 ki kahaani.

Now test yourself ek aur bar: Try to compromise on the greater good to accommodate the whims of your good buddyroos. Make it a 30 day challenge, so you’re more prepared for the 5 year one. Scoring will be based on your total number of quid pro quos earned.

That’s right. I only said it was a compromise on the greater good, not on your good! You’ve only got a limited time if you don’t get re-elected, (even if you do, by following these lessons seriously, the time is STILL limited) so your actions must be sharp and three-pronged.

Any rookie might be thrown off by the apparent conundrum here, but your all-knowing amateur has got your back. Listen closely, for the devil (read politics) is in the details.

HerE aRe The mAIn GoaLs of anY roOkie PoliticiAN:

–  your constituency needs to achieve overall progress

–  you need to reap the benefits

–  plus you need to get re-elected

This everyone knows. I do, even my mamma do. They ain’t gonna be yours though. Because that, darling, is a recipe for failure.

What YOU do is play the classic game of fuck, marry, kill.

You must 1- fuck re-election, 2- marry the benefits and 3- kill progress.

You might ask me, But o Balderdash! KILL?! How do I get away with murder??

Good question. I say, DISTRACT! USE FIREWORKS! (and no, I don’t mean the sad Sivakasi almost-green fireworks, I’m talking about the biggerbetterbombastic fireworks display at LOC/LAC. It always gets the front page).

That’s your lesson 4 mitro.

Focus on mastering some artful evasive techniques, and never forget the three Ds of dodge, distract and divert.

Test yourself aakhri bar: You’re questioned, “Is it true the current economic crisis is a result of a series of blunders, such as demonetization, GST, in an already volatile sector, and could have been avoided? What would constitute concrete reformative measures?”

If you answered, “peeche dekho, peeche!” good try, you probably pass with C, but if you used irrelevant keywords like Ram Mandir, surgical strike, masterstroke, Article 370, CAA, etc you get an O. Because you’re right on track-O!

Bonus points if you blame the previous governments for everything!

But again, the rookie in you might ask, O Balderdash, is progress really non-existent? Is it all just a façade?

NO SIR! You do get to dabble in certain important progressive undertakings now and then. But beware! Those measures must not, on any occasion, turn out to have long term benefits. Because you see, we do not want ANY of those nuisances of succeeding parties to bask in the glory of what was YOUR brainchild initially.

In other words, it’s progress and not really progress at the same time. Trust me; this is scientifically backed by quantum physics.

Hence, obviously, environmental reforms are total no-no. So fret not even if you have to destroy forests, destroy marshlands, and pollute rivers. Just make it worth it. For as long as you’ve got the numbers proving growth, nothing else matters. (for pro-tips refer: EIA draft notification, 2020.)

That’s the end of lesson 5.

Think long-term, act short term.

Test yourself the actual aakhri bar: You need to build a car shed for Mumbai metro-3. What will you do?

If you answered, “AREY JUST CLEAR THOSE AAREY TREES, JUST 30 HECTARES NO BIGGE WIGGIE, I’M STILL ENVIRONMENT FRIENDLIE!” you’re almost already there and your greatness is already peaking.

One final lesson mitro, before you go.

Never forget that PR matters.

Don’t just sit there if you’re being portrayed negatively by media, okay? Go buy the agency, pronto!!

And if it still spills over into the society and catches fire, so now you’re being opposed everywhere? Don’t panic, you’ve got a wide range of options to choose from. You can impose Section 144 under CrPC, book those peskipiksi pesternomis for sedition, lynch them if they’re not Hindus and make them chant JaiShriRam, call them anti-national-pak-china-threesomeloving-traitors and penalize them under UAPA, etcetera.

Let your creativity run wild darling, for as long as you get to be the king of the smoke-choked, unemployed, hungry preys in this concrete jungle, nothing else matters.

End of course. Lelo certificate.

Jai Shree who?

Your amma.