Disclaimer: As per our policy I’m once again compelled to add that all references implied, not implied, inferred, not inferred are purely non-fictional and most probably refer to persons living or dead.
If you find yourself getting triggered at any point, pehle thande ho jao, phir toda namak khao, aur padhte raho.
When a blasted backdoor stands so wide open, that my dog can take a dump, do a pirouette, moonwalk across the ciphertext, decipher them all and relay back to me a very singular message on whats-that-app saying, “something big will happen”, pray tell, who am I to stand against the force of nature? And as a fellow Indian, I know I can trust you lot to understand when I say that such things simply cannot be taken lightly.
You know that I know that you know what I’m thinking right?
So for not the first time in Indian history, I’m going to invoke a – wait for it – force majeure and bestow upon this highly capable canine the highest order of sainthood – a swamihood of such prestige and much wow, that generations in the offing will fondly venerate him as O Barking Dogeswami!
Absurd much? Not if I get it approved by the Granting Sainthood Testimonials Council first! Woof!
A few of you however, might still be baffled. Or worse, unconvinced. A DOG swami, Balderdash? Hells. This time, you’ve reeeally lost it old man!
Okay. It’s alright. Calm down. Come for a meeting. Let me clarify.
First off, I’m not a man. Okay? Second, just run this thought through your little gray cells:
OUR Dogeswami has travelled to a place where NO dog or man (except for a pegasus) has ever successfully ventured before – to the very nebula of mischief, through the currency laden, digital labyrinths of secret dealings and pillowtalks – or simply put, the encrypted Whats-That-App conversations. The stuff he sees, the things he reads and the knowledge he now oh-so-heavily bears, like a cross, for the benefit of something as undeserving as humanity, are MORE than enough qualifications to put him on the hall of fame with the rest of them big guns. Period.
If you still think otherwise, you should probably do an anti-national check-up.
Now in honor of the faith of ye humble republic, and with the help of the world renowned veteran swamiji who has graciously developed a linguistic contraption to translate animal talk (bayangra science!), our very own Dogeswami will be, mind you, FOR ONLY THE SECOND TIME in 2021 history, sharing his knowledge LIVE from the data laundry of Whats-That-App Inc.
An exclusive chat interview for the eyes our tirelessly inquisitive nation, who would really like to know-
POO-CHTA HAI BALDER-DESH!
*T&C apply: all I ask is some TRP in return bro. Show your love for the nation by sharing the blog*
You added Dogeswami to the chat
Hello Dogeswamiji
Woof. Namaste.
The nation wants to know how you feel this moment, going through all those endless conversations.. some are even downright illegal it appears..?
’tis a poignant moment in history, hooman.
For the first time I have truly comprehended the extent of the subversive and seditious elements in our holy land, the Akhand bharat.
The antinational things these modern mughals has been up to sends a, brr, a violent shiver along my truly, faithfully national spine.
How do you reckon we stop these antinationals DSji?
Fret not BB, I am fully equipped with all the know-hows to nip this in the bud.
All this knowledge from the chats?
So naïve BB, you wouldn’t believe the things I – oh oh are those meatballs on your insta?
DSji pls focus.
Balderdash. Answer my question.
Yeah, beef.
A buffalo right? Did you check its puberty status?
DSji wtf?
Language BB. How old was the buffalo? Over 13 right?
Damnit DSji this is food, not a movie.
It’s for the greater good B boi. You wouldn’t understand. You reek of naivety anyway.
Pardon me DSji. I’ll check with the butcher. Brb
Butcher who? Muslim?
No.. actually a Hindu. And his daughter just told me that the buffalo was older than 13
Good. Good people then. Make me those woofballs 2.
So tell me about the girl. Is she in love with someone?
DSji I don’t understand what this is supposed to mean. This is my live interview.
And all we are talking about is some irrelevant mumbo jumbo.
I thought we’ll be out firing machine guns together and here we are talking like old saints of the unevolved provinces.
Baldy, I hate to tell you this, but this is how modern yogis of the UP talk too.
I shall let you fire your machine guns then. I like the sound of it.
What do you want to know? Shoot.
Thank you DSji. Your graciousness abounds.
Give us the juice on Naga talks your dogeness. The nation really wants to know if there is an end in sight to this 23 year ordeal
Ofc there is always an end BB, look at J&K!
But apart from that little letter mishap, our stalling strategy is working totally. We’re just waiting for the election season to make the big announcement.
Big man will sweep polls then.
What happened to J&K is scary tho..
Power demands occasional sacrifices. What can I say, I’m a dog BB and you aren’t. Power play is our daily bread and butter.
Just like the stuff I do with my eyes when I want something from you, the ones in power do it with their lies.
Wise words DSji.
So could this mark the end of federalism as we know it?
Yes but nothing to be worried about, it’ll all be made to seem casual, consensual and constructive.
Just like how it happened with GST. And the finance commission can work out their math for the funds devolution all they want and eat the paper on which they wrote it for all we care. If only we could do away with them 🙁
Sigh. Someday BB, someday.
Er, true. It does feel like an impending doom. And I’m losing faith in the judiciary too.
All those mounting habeas corpus petitions and general callousness is really unnerving imo
What rubbish BB! Where do you even get these ideas?
If the judiciary was any more on our side, we’d be America okay?
Just simply look at the poetic justice of their recent judgements! New temple for us; no internet for mini-pakistan; fake poets in jail and the opposition doesn’t even get a whiff of bail!
And trust me, once that letter-writing mango is handled, criticism too would be a thing of the past, mark my words B beta.
DSji, I think you’ve spent too much time on whats-that-app.
Enough is enough buddy, come back home
Don’t play spoilsport Baldy c’mon, not when WestB is such a happening place these days.
Show’s over Dogeswami.
Fine. How much do you want? 10C ok?
tbf I’m just glad that you’re a dog that I can shut up DS
You kicked Dogeswami from the chat
wooof woof woof
raaawwrr
WOOF!
SC added Dogeswami to the chat
SC: The high echleons of the Swanky Chums have deemed paramount a sonnet on Liberté at this crucial juncture in our nation’s history. We will work on it ad tempus. Brb.
O.o dafuq?
BETA AWAZ KAM KARO AWAZ KAM
Madhyam ghanti mein aao, aur sawal suno
Doge, this is a chat interview on whatsapp.
What awaz are you talking about
Are rawalpindi ke halwai, meri baat sunle.
And how is this even happnning??
Are hurriyat ke samartak, chup
oookay
SC, are you seeing this?
Are gillani ke chamche
Islamabad ke murjhaye hue phool meri baat sunlo
Doge
You need to understand something fundamental here before you say anything else
Kitne rupai unhone tumpar phenke?
Kitni pakistani malai khai? Batao
Kitni malai khai pakistan ki?
Hindi theriyadu poda
You have left the chat
SC: Liberty is like a red red rose
Blossomed from bloody throes
And we suppose
That protected by SC, it only grows.
Rooted in our constitution
We deem your case selective prosecution!
The writ of liberty notwithstanding
Your case anyway has no standing.
For we are the first line of defense
Against such balderdash nonsense.
Oh liberty, dear liberty, love liberty.
May your redness guide us for posterity.
Dogeswami has left the chat